So much has happened since you left us. I promised myself I would write you this letter and pray that someday I will hear your response. I miss you, an understatement of how much I long to feel you near me, to hug you, to kiss you until you blue in the face, to hear your voice, to have someone to bug and tease to speak to you, to listen to you babble all day about the latest gossip and daily activities, to listen to music that irritates me and beg you to turn to my kind of music. I so miss those special moments we had. Funny, so many times those things irritated me and I used to get so grossly angry at you, but I would do anything just to have one more day with you. What I would give to change it all. I’m so glad we made the most of our time spent together. You remember all the outings we went on and holidays away- just us family, it was truly something special. Now we can’t have that anymore. It all seems senseless having special outing, because you’re not with us and it just won’t be the same without you. I cannot begin to tell you how different things have been since your passing. With all that has happened. Loosing you and Oupa, and the divorce, it seems things are only getting worse. The great loss has caused immense hurt and as time goes by it becomes worse. Mr. Snipes, I miss you and long to hug you, to fidget with you I miss the most. (Melissa used to pop his pimples for him)
I completed my first degree, Psych Honors it was tough but I always knew you were right by my side through every test, assignment and challenge there was to overcome. On graduation night I walked tall, knowing you were watching through God’s window, shouting and cheering with that proud look on your face. I walked tall thinking of how Oupa always reminded me about my posture and looking confident at all times and when I stood on stage to be capped, I felt overwhelmed. It was an amazing evening; the only person who would have made it more complete, is you. I know you are so proud of me Wes.
So now I am working and studying part-time. Where I get the energy and courage from, I don’t know. I sometimes wonder how much of you are left behind. your courage, strong will, determination and confidence as I feel the need to constantly grow and seek challenges to fulfill my passion in life. Finding a permanent job is difficult but I know it will come on the right time.
It’s so hard Wes, as much as I try to be strong, I cannot help but break down and miss you it is the worst on celebrations like birthdays, Christmas, and New Years. I do not see the point in celebrating since you’re not around. The party aint a party without you there is no DJ; the music I hear is that without soul and joy it is simply music, that’s all it is to me now.
Do you remember how we used to guess what our Christmas gifts would be? Often we were so wrong as our dreams were as blown up as the fuss around new technology and interventions, but our gifts were special it was what Mom and Dad could get for us. Even though we knew Rudolph and Santa would never come down our chimney, we watched and waited for Mom to put out the milk and cookies, running to bed soon after and giggled for a while until eventually falling to sleep.
You were always awake in the morning, excited to open the gifts and reliving those moments I recall how excited you were over your gifts, never grumbling that it was the wrong CD or the wrong T-shirt. You were so appreciative of everything – how I envied those qualities you had.
The first few years are all about survival; trying to find one-self through the battle of loss. How we agonize ourselves with the what-if’s and the why,s and in the process we tend to ignore those loved ones we still have. We all battle with it, some of us well, others not. Dad misses you too of course, he just doesn’t know how to say it. Please tell him it’s okay that you know he misses you and that you miss him too. As the Festive Season approaches, one automatically becomes more emotionally drained and as you prepare for the holidays your eyes seek for the perfect gift, you miss the extra place setting at the lunch table, the cheerful laughter, and the sharing of love. Difficult as it may be, we have to shift our negative thoughts to positive thoughts and concentrate on who and what we have in our lives now, but never forgetting those we had.
LOVE YOU STAX MY GUARDIAN ANGEL
Ps: Miss your crazy dance moves and laughter!
-Melissa Von Willing